Imagine the situation of a boss, a partner, or one of your children getting angry. They begin shouting and slamming things. Their raised voice gets an immediate reaction in you, and you start to reply with a raised voice too. Next thing you know, you’re both angry, shouting at each other, and the situation ends with you, or them, or both, storming off with mutterings of how the other person was out of order.

We’ve all been there, right?

Let’s imagine another scenario. One where the person that has gotten angry, and where the anger is a hot potato in their hands. It’s uncomfortable. They feel the urge building to do something to deal with the hot potato (the anger). They can hold it no longer, so they offload the anger (the hot potato) and it is thrown at you. But they are still feeling the uncomfortable effects of holding the hot potato, it doesn’t immediately leave, so they keep offloading. Typically, what you do is catch the hot potato (the anger), you take it on, and now you are uncomfortable. You are now juggling with the hot potato (the anger) and the longer you hold onto to it (and the anger), it raises an urge within you. So, you throw the hot potato (the anger) back. This then becomes a back-and-forth game of passing the hot potato (anger).

But what if you didn’t allow yourself to catch the hot potato, or take on the other person’s anger?

One of the most powerful skills anyone can develop, is the ability to manage your reactions. However, in heated situations we often move to an outward focus and try to control others’ reactions.  In this case, if you are habitually allowing yourself to be affected by other peoples’ reactions and behaviours, you are giving them control over your emotions. By shifting your focus inwards, to begin managing your own reactions, it offers you the ability to be less affected by others, enabling you to then manage difficult interactions more effectively. Then, you are able to understand other’s experience and emotions more effectively. This ability to notice and understand emotions is called empathy.

What is empathy?

Dr Becky Kennedy (clinical psychologist, researcher and author) offers an insightful definition of empathy. From her research on relationships, she has been able to expand our understanding of this sometimes misunderstood term. She describes empathy as the ability to connect with and understand another person’s emotional experience without judgment and being able to offer support and validation. An element I would add, to assist with being non-judgemental, is to be curious about their experience.

Empathy, therefore, goes beyond just understanding someone’s feelings or emotions – it’s about acknowledging those feelings, understanding as best you can why they are feeling that way, and responding in a way that fosters trust and connection versus conflict.

The impact of empathy on interactions

1. Empathy Regulates Emotions – When someone feels heard and validated, their nervous system calms down. This makes it easier to move from conflict toward problem-solving.
2. Connection Before Correction – Instead of immediately trying to change behaviour, simply acknowledge a person’s emotions. This helps people feel safe enough to engage in a productive discussion.
3. Empathy Doesn’t Mean Agreement – You don’t have to agree with someone to acknowledge their feelings. Saying, “That sounds really frustrating” doesn’t mean you condone the behaviour, but it does show understanding.
4. Empathy Builds Resilience – When a person experiences empathy, they learn to regulate their emotions and handle challenges more effectively in the future.
5. Modelling Empathy Encourages It in Others – When you show empathy, you teach others to do the same, creating more compassionate interactions over time.

However, there is an important point that should be considered regarding empathy. Becoming an expert at noticing others’ emotions and taking them on yourself is NOT empathy (or compassion). Taking on that person’s emotions will be at the expense of your own self-care and needs, but also theirs as you are less able to help.

What gets in the way of true empathic responding?

Being Judgemental – ‘they are being unreasonable and stupid’ – ‘I don’t deserve this’ – ‘they are out of order’.

Remember that if you want to respond empathically, and be able to support someone, it requires non-judgement and understanding. Paying attention to others’ emotions, without any awareness to your own, diminishes your ability to be non-judgemental and understanding of their experience.

The ‘Righting Reflex’ – ‘Calm down, there’s no need to be angry’

As soon as we see someone angry or upset, we can often feel compelled to ‘fix’ their emotion. We want to change them. To start with, you can’t just switch off an emotion, it rises and falls like a wave, so it will take time to diminish. But also consider what it’s like to have someone say to us that our emotion is wrong. This lacks in understanding of their experience and is judgemental.

Outward focus and no inward focus – ‘I don’t know why I got so frustrated when they were angry’.

When empathy is only focused one way, it can result in you taking on the other’s emotion or building an unhelpful emotional response without awareness. This is natural as we lack the attentional capacity to understand and attend to both our emotions and another’s to the same degree as when just focusing on one. When you can learn to divert attention from an inward focus (what is going on for me?) – to an outward focus (okay, what is going on for them?) – you are better able to attend to your needs AND their needs more effectively.

Therefore, while empathy may be crucial to dealing with difficult interactions, there is a part that you can add that offers the ability to deal with these situations more effectively – develop self-empathy.

What is self-empathy?

Let’s return to the hot potato scenario. Responding with empathy, understanding a person’s emotional experience with non-judgement, is impossible when you have taken on their anger.

That means that to respond more effectively requires understanding, acknowledging and validating your own emotions non-judgementally. When you direct empathy at yourself, you can evaluate whose emotions are whose. For example, saying, ‘this is not my emotion, this is theirs’ – ‘I may feel like taking on their anger, and can feel it rise, but that is not mine’.

The skill that can be developed, is to understand your own emotional experience. And the tough bit is that when the emotion kicks in, it may take some time to diminish. But when you acknowledge an emotion – ‘I’m feeling a rise of anger’ – it begins to offer you the capacity to manage it. To put into place processes, skills, tools, to manage your experience, and then from this, have a more effective empathic response to another.

Reasons to build the skill of self-empathy:

1. Regulates Emotions – When we validate our own feelings instead of suppressing them, our nervous system calms down.

2. Reduces Self-Criticism – Instead of beating ourselves up, self-empathy allows us to say, “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”

3. Improves Relationships – The more self-compassion we show ourselves, the more empathy we can extend to others.

4. Builds Resilience – When we acknowledge our struggles instead of avoiding them, we grow stronger and more adaptable.

Building the skill of self-empathy and a more effective empathic response

Here is a process that I use to help people. These skills take practice and reinforcement for them to be there for you when you encounter difficult interactions. So, practice everywhere. With loved ones, at the supermarket, at work, even role playing in your mind.

ACTION POINTS: when experiencing a difficult interaction with someone

P-R-E-E-C-B-R

1. PAUSE – take a moment before reacting – this takes practice

• When you feel an emotion reaction spike within you – take a moment before any responding
• Do nothing (for a moment) – no response is better than a dysregulated response
• Step away – give yourself space and let the emotion wave rise and fall
• Remind yourself – ‘I don’t have to fix this right now’ – ‘I can handle this

2. REGULATE – yourself first

• Breathe – slowly and with a long exhale
• Attention grounding – e.g. put your attention to your feet, name the items of clothing you see someone wear
• Soften your body – tension embodies and can intensify an emotion

3. EMOTIONS – understanding, acknowledging, validating YOUR emotions first – self-empathy

• Instead of pushing emotions away – be curious about them
• Name your emotion or feeling – ‘I am experiencing frustration – and that’s okay’
• Over time, reflect and learn that you don’t have to act on every emotion

4. EMPATHY – seek to understand, acknowledge and validate the OTHER person’s emotions

• Be curious to the other person’s experience – using TED questions – ‘Tell me about what’s happening’ – ‘I was wondering if you can Explain to me’ – ‘can you Describe what’s going on?’
• Distancing – this is THEIR emotion – not mine!
• Imagine yourself as an observer – noting aspects of their experience
• People calm down when they feel understood – Use phrases like – ‘I hear you’ – ‘That makes sense’ – ‘It’s okay to feel this way’

5. CONNECTION BEFORE CORRECTION

• You can’t guide behaviour if the other person is not feeling listened to
• Show understanding before offering solutions
• Use phrases that show understanding – ‘You’re upset and that must be hard’ – instead of correcting – ‘stop yelling!’

6. BOUNDARIES – with compassion

• Boundaries let both parties know when they’ve overstepped a mark
• You can be assertive, but use compassionate language – ‘I won’t let you talk to me that way, let’s find a different way deal with this’ – ‘I understand that your angry, but throwing things is a step too far, let’s take a break and come back to this’

7. REPAIR – after conflict

• Seek to repair after conflict as it strengthens relationships
• Acknowledge any of your poor inputs – ‘I got frustrated earlier, I wish I had handled that differently’
• Model growth and learning – ‘I’m learning from this and will work on staying calmer next time’
• Encourage reconnection – ‘let’s talk, can we start fresh?’